How shallow am I?

I think it's funny how I always have a title for my stories, articles or anything I write before I start writing it. It shows that I know the message I want to send before even writing it.

It has been a while since my last post, to be exact one year. I always write when I am really sad or when I am really happy. So today I am not happy at all and I am not proud about what brings me here.

A few years ago I watched a movie called 'A Walk Among the Tombstones' starring Liam Neeson, I don't even remember what the movie was about but there was this particular character TJ that has been in my memory for some time. A black kid with sick cell disease spent all his time in the library learning new stuff especially about his condition. I have known this disease for years and I was always interested in it because I am secretly obsessed about the diseases. I couldn't understand how people got it...why is it a random thing? Like I know you can have it if parents have it but how did your father or mother got it in the first place? I have read several definitions of the disease but personally, it doesn't make sense.

Back to the movie, the boy spends time in the library searching for information about the disease and he mentioned that the disease came from Africa as a experiment, an attempt to prevent malaria. Malaria is a serious and sometimes fatal disease caused by a parasite that commonly infects a certain type of mosquito which feeds on humans.

People were told to take shots and those injections started spreading a virus that in one way or another turn to be what we know today as Sick cell. TJ was aware of the consequences of this conditions, he was really cautious, he didn't do sports, he only drunk water and avoided everything with chemicals on it. Although he knew all the implications of the disease and all the care he took to be alive he was a low-spirited kid.



I didn't come here to talk about TJ because even though it was depressing to see his story, he is not real. I wish my cousin's disease was not real too...

Two months ago I was really determined to loose wait but those types of determinations that you just pray but you don't do anything. So I prayed to have malaria and loose 10 kilos. I didn't loose 10 kilos but I had malaria lol. The first two days I thought it was a silly flu and it would be over in a few days. Malaria taught me a lot during those two weeks. I was in constant pain, I had a fever, I always felt dizzy and tired. My body was begging it to stop but God wanted to teach me a lesson, to watch what I say.


I am the type of person who doesn't like asking for help and when I am sick I avoid hospitals because I don't believe in them. But this time that wasn't the case, I was powerless and hopeless...and secretly afraid of dying. I remember one night that I couldn't sleep and I was high because of the total of 12 pills I had taken that day. I was so high that I started talking about random things and laughing like a mad person. Event though, I am shallow and stupid I have a lot of faith and God knew it wasn't my time.



One month after I survived malaria I received a terrible news, my 14-year-old cousin who had sick cell disease died from malaria. Ironic, right? My heart fell...I was speechless. I started to crying like it was my fault. He didn't deserve it... he didn't deserve to have malaria, he didn't deserve to be born with sick cell disease, he didn't deserve to felel that kind of pain and he definitely didn't deserve to die.


If sick cell came from the experiences and studies of the prevention of malaria, how was that possible? why?...



Demetrio was a really kind kid, a kid with dreams of being healthy and happy, and who deserved and wanted more from life. I remember the first time I met him and I asked my mom what was wrong with him? why he was so quiet and looked so old for his age?

My mom told me he had sick cell disease and I kinda understood his beahviour. The thing about people with a serious disease is that they look unapologetic, they become automatic saints because they don't resent life, they accept their faith. They carry joy and a good spirit, they are fortunate to be alive because they know their time is very limited. Demetrio was so precious...


He knew he was sick but I don't think he understood why and I don't think anybody would understand why a fourteen year old kid would die without the chance to go to high school, have a girlfriend, get marry, have children, do something about his life...Demetrio will be fourteen forever...


I wish we would talk more and I wish I had time to tell you that you were such a good, strong and an amazing kid. I am praying every day that you find your peace.


I hope you are watching us.




R.I.P Demetrio Conceicao

April 2016

Lunga Izata