What have I done to you?

I remember that day...the day they all started the campaign against me and you were there in the crowd, the biggest supporter. You smiled and you were entertained by the fact that I was in pain. Till today I can still taste the memory. Every time I want to remind myself that I have survived I see you, laughing at my agony.


You tried so many times to make me bitter and evil but every time my faith won. Looking back I think my strength challenged you and asked you to try again. I desired to see how far would you go, I wanted to test your evilness. But no matter what you did to me I was there for you every time you needed me and I would do anything to make you happy. I was never bitter and till today I don't understand what I have done to you that made you introduce me to the VIP section of hell. They say we should forgive, forget and move on...in that exactly order. It took me a lot to understand the joy of forgiveness but I did.


I forgave you after lying to myself so many times and finding excuses for your behaviour. I have done it my whole life, trying to understand people and I come up with reasons for how messed up they are: "He was cheated on..." "He had a rough upbringing" but deep inside I know that's not a motive. That's not enough to hurt people who never did anything to you.


The question running through my head is "What have I done to you? Now I understand that I have done nothing wrong, and that's what killed you, what destroyed you. You couldn't understand why after you cut me so deep I didn't have any anger towards you and I didn't go out of my way to make you feel miserable. Going back, I can see that you envied me. Yes, you envied how much I loved you and how strong I was to fight for your love.


I am proud of myself for finding in my heart a warm place for my killer, for the person who changed me but didn't change my heart. Till today I still have the nicest thing to say about you...And pray you find yourself and someone who can give you the kind love you denied from me.


Photocredit: https://earlgreyandyellow.com/2019/02/25/loving-above-the-fray/