I remember when my back pain started and it was unbearable. I struggled with it for one year then I finally decided to go to the doctor. The thing about doctors is that before you go there whatever you are struggling with it's just something unimportant and you try to ignore it, and then you get there and it becomes an episode of House (American television series), they tell you have something more than you expected and the fear that it might be true make you do whatever they tell you to do. For two months I went there to do physiotherapy sessions and it was actually getting better and he also suggested that I should put ice on my back every day and I did.
When you put ice on your body the first seconds it feels like your skin is burning and then you endure it and you feel relief. It reminded me of how break-ups feel, in the beginning, it kills you, you feel like dying inside but as time passes you move on and you feel tranquility. Ice is like love, it was once water, peaceful, transparent and pure, and when you turn it into cold, it freezes and burns.
The ice on my back was healing my pain but it resulted on scars, I had several black marks and I couldn't understand why. The doctor told me that I was leaving the ice on my skin for too long and occasionally burns. So I had another problem how to get ready of that scar? I tried using every cosmetic possible and hide it but the scar wanted to be visible, it kept growing and growing.
I think everything I go through either emotional or physical there is a connection with my heart. Every time someone killed me inside I thanked God that they could not see the damage they caused because those people intention is to watch your torture but I never allowed them to see me die or to turn me into a bitter and sad person. But this time I had a visible scar, and everyone could see it. It was there every day reminding that it happened. One of the things that the doctor kept asking me was the cause of my back pain "Did you fall? Did you have an accident?" but I couldn't remember anything that could cause this.
For months the scar was stuck on my body trying to tell me something but I was in denial. I stopped putting the medicine on it and with time it just faded away. Then it hit me, I had flashbacks of that day when you pushed me down the stairs and I fell. It didn't hurt that much, only inside. I couldn't see this as the reason for my pain because this was months before it started but the doctor told me that sometimes you are struggling with something that you don't even know until it leaves you scars.
Even though I am proud of my pride having visible scar taught me to not be ashamed of my pain. This time everybody could see my pain and I was ok with it because I truly believe when you hurt somebody you are hurting yourself. I don't know what is hurting you that made you hurt me but I don't fear to go through heartbreaking anymore, I fear to cause it. I never did anything to you, in fact, all I did was care for you. Even though you put me through hell I don't have anger towards you and I know now that scars eventually fade.
August 2016
Lunga Izata
Photo credit: https://get-kalm.com/en/2019/05/07/relationship-abuse/
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