Release me

I don't think I can afford to be that open...In the beginning, I felt sick, then I was scared but now I am not ashamed of what I feel. Even though I know that whatever happened is prohibited, complicated and against orthodox, I also know I can't fight it.

I remember when we were ten, or let's say I was ten and you were eleven, we were playing hide and seek and I fell, you laughed so hard and I couldn't understand why you hated me so much. We never talked about it but everyone knew how you hated me and for me, it was fine, because back then at least I knew how you felt about me. I wouldn't mind going back to being hated because hate is allowed. And what happened between us is not, it's illegal, forbidden...I could go deeper in degrading us. But I would lie if say it wasn't consensual...it was! It was more than consensual, it was needed, it was wanted, it was felt... I don't regret even a second.


I regret the timing, I wasn't supposed to go through heartbreak anymore, I promised myself I was done with emotional pain. But still, I had to live this. Why now? Why not when we were sixteen? At least then we would consent it in a legal and pure way. And by now I would have moved on from it long ago. I don't need that kind of depression right now, this cannot interfere with my planned life. According to my dreams of a perfect life, I should be mature, free of troubles, engaged and hopefully in love by now. I guess God had others plans and he's still investing on my insanity and making me loose myself.


I always knew I was different and I would end up crazy but not even my controversial tendencies would predict such thing. I thought I would be a lesbian for a while, marry a drug addict or anything to disappoint my parents. Whatever it was I would make sure I was happy. But I don't think I can be happy committing a crime. I know there is no law enforcement that would stop us, especially in Angola where the legal system is an illusion. But there is a high power that would judge us for our indecency.


My parents knew they had a sick child, they tried their best to protect me from my insanity but it was too late because I kept feeding it with delusional thoughts and seeking love in wrong places. They say love can cure anything, for me love ruined everything. I always wanted to live a fairy tale, like any other fairy tale there are dragons, mermaids, witches and sometimes super heroes. But we don't have any supernatural power besides the bond that unites us, our blood.


I always felt weird around you, I could never look you in your eyes, and there was constantly a tension in the air, I assumed it was just your dislike towards me. I don't know when the uneasy feeling became love but I know that for you, it was something else. I don't know what possessed you but let's called it a desire. When someone desires something, the feeling vanishes when you finally have it. They say "family above all" but I never thought my own kind could hurt me this way.


I wish you continued to hate me until this day because hate is deep, intense and strong. Hate is passionate, an emotional feeling and it takes time...desires are temporary, they are needs, cravings...People have different appetite and even though they are taking in the same, it might taste different. For me, it tasted like intimacy, fondness and love... for you, it was infatuation, anger and lust.


Dear God, release me...

Photo credit: Juliet Sinethemba Witi