Why I came to South Africa?

I think is ironic to address my decision to move to South Africa while I am currently in Uganda. Let’s save my Uganda thoughts for later and concentrate in my pursuit of becoming a South African. As I step out of the country, I see it clear…I thought it was love what brought me there but I was wrong, it has been a while since love has motivated me into doing something, I was looking for something else...peace.

I would lie if I said that you didn’t influence me on my decision but at the end of the day, it was my decision! I know your ego told you that you are the reason I moved thousands of kilometers away from my family…you are delusional! I really did care for you and at one point I thought it was love but it wasn’t. I guess I was just enjoying the experience of having a foreign love affair. I am not here to expose you, you are not even the main subject of this post. Please don’t go around saying that I am writing one more time about you.

I was running away from something, I just didn’t know what …I thought South Africa would be a fresh start for me, where I could be a new person or maybe the person I used to be before they fucked me emotionally. But I realised no matter where I go, my thoughts would follow me. I don’t know what I was dealing with but whatever it was, it was draining me.

Do you know when you watch Law & Order, all the signs and proofs are there throughout the whole episode, but you never get the picture until the end. This is not the end of my life but I finally understand something that has been killing me inside for years.

You know, I never cried about it, I don’t even know if it really hurts inside or I am just looking for an inspiration to write. Writing was supposed to be therapeutic, it was supposed to save me. Now, it is all about blog views and getting paid, I don’t know if I enjoy it anymore. Sometimes I feel like I have to please an audience, I have to come up with dramatic stories to entertain people. Maybe I am a prostitute, instead of selling my body, I am selling my stories, my personal life. I am tired…I wished I never came to terms with what happened to me.

A few months ago I was telling my friend how I manage to not have sex with this guy. I told her how I had to come up with excuses in order to make him stop. And she asked me “why didn’t you just say ‘no’?” I really didn’t understand what she meant because in my mind you can’t just say “No”. I didn’t know I was entitled to my own body and I could withdraw myself from any situation. The conversation kept torturing me for days and I knew there was a lesson behind this whole thing.

In April, I was given a task to do audience research about a Rhodes newspaper. I was looking for information about their history and features, when I found a documentary called Disrupt. Disrupt focuses on rape victims and the traumatizing consequences of it. In the video, there is a girl that enlightened me with her words “I don’t know why people refuse to take rape seriously…” and I broke down. She was referring to society and blaming them for ignoring the issue. Little did she know that there are rape victims in this world who chose to continue to live their lives like nothing happened.

It was dark and I was under the influence, not only alcohol but the influence of love. I was laying in his bed waiting for him to come back so we could resume what we were doing. When he came finally back, he was different, he had more energy…I could sense something was wrong but I didn’t want to know what was happening. Maybe he was just being freaky or I can say that he didn’t want to be selfish…I can continue exonerating him but I think it’s time for me to come to terms with how stupid I am. I could find thousands of metaphors to describe it but I am tired of pretending that nothing happened, I have done it for six years…the truth is: He let his friend rape me.

I didn’t know there was a name for what happened to me, I thought it was just something that guys did when they are young. Since I came to Grahamstown, everything is all about rape, rape news, rape conversations and so on. It got to a point that I asked God “What are you trying to tell me?”. I never thought I was raped because I always thought I was too smart to be in that situation. South Africa gave me answers and after being in denial for years, I think it’s time to heal.

I know I will never be free from my past, no matter where I go, South Africa, Uganda, you name it…I always remember that I am completely screwed up inside. I think my life will forever be a side effect of my early twenties. I wish I could go back and fix myself, because If I had at least common sense at that age it would have saved me from a lot of pain.


"But if these years have taught me anything it is this: you can never run away. Not ever. The only way out is in." Junot Díaz