I have this friend that every day he posts an eulogy or a birthday wish. You see the picture, then you gotta scroll down to read the description to confirm what’s it about. Today he posted a birthday wish and that set up my mood for the entire day.
Every Sunday, my family gathers on zoom to have an online mass so I was excited for that too. I was waiting for it to start when I got a call from a friend. Before I could answer, I saw her text saying “Kofi died”. At first, I was fighting my mind, telling myself that it must be someone else, not you. But then again, why would she call me to tell me that a random Kofi passed way? My first reaction was to cry but then I calmed down. I told myself if I survived my dad’s death I can survive anything. I was wrong. I thought being an orphan was making me a pro on grief and that I could take anything. I told myself this must be a prank, then I texted your friends and their confirmed your demise.
Let’s go back to how everything started - I am new in Addis and it was one of the first and few times I went out clubbing. You approached me and you said something that I can’t remember. I gotta applaud you for your confidence, especially when I had my usual moody face and “don’t talk to me” aura. You kept talking to me and I kept trying to show you I wasn’t interested.
At some point of the conversation you mentioned “AIESEC” so we bonded over our experiences with the organisation. I remember saving your number “Kofi AIESEC”. You then did what you do best, you started dancing in front me like you were trying to seduce me. Well, I actually thought it was funny and I told myself “this guy has no idea what he's getting himself into”. After that, you said something like “I am leaving...let’s go to my place” and I was like “nice to meet you”, meaning “you can bounce”.
Days later, you texted me and we started talking. I didn’t think much of it but I remember your reactions to my whatsapp status. You always had something to say and I am gonna miss that. I am going to miss your interest on what interested me…I am gonna miss you asking me about the ghetto reality shows and the creepy crime documentaries I watch; and all the quotes that you always wanted me to explain. One thing about posting is that it is a 'cry for help' and you want people to ask how you feel and you did that for me. My needy self-seeking attention needed you and I am glad I had you.
I was about to travel to Ghana, so I texted you asking if you needed anything from there. Now that I look back, why was I being so nice to a stranger? Is it weird that I always felt like I had met you long along, maybe in a past life? You text me your sister’s number and I met her in Accra. I don’t know what you told her about me but she was treating me like I was your girlfriend or something. Anyways, I am back in Addis with your stuff and you come to my place. I remember that day very well because there were no lights. At first, I didn’t recognize you because it was the first time I was seeing you after the club. I am looking at you and I am actually telling myself “this is guy is cute…”. So you get in, we start talking and you instantly turned me off with the conversation. I don’t know what you said but I think you suffer from the same thing I suffer “saying the wrong things at the wrong time”. But then you changed the game, you said “do you want to spend my birthday with me?” And my romantic self thought it was cute but it didn’t actually happen.
You disappeared for a few days and then you texted me saying you wanted to talk. I don’t know what you were going through that day but you begged to come to my place. You got there all handsome and ready (I know I never told you looked good that day) and you started courting me with your crazy lies. I actually enjoyed your lies…they were so bad that made me like you more because if someone was so bad at lying, they could never hurt anyone.
I know that at the time I was giving you a hard time because I was juggling my double romantic life and I didn’t want you to be part of that mess. But you were persistent! Fast-forward to Christmas - we were both spending Christmas in Addis so we agreed we were spending together. You came over and we talked the whole night…trust me the whole entire night!!! I don’t remember much but I knew I enjoyed being around you.
Wait, I remember! We talked about movies and fiction, we mentioned how the “extras” on a movie were getting a story. Ok let me explain, you know how a movie centers on certain people and sometimes there is collateral damage done to other people? Let’s say there is a war between the Avengers and the Suicide Squad, while the war is taking place random people die, either because they got hit by a car thrown by Spiderman or Captain America run over them. So we were both talking about how those people should also have stories. And now I feel like I am an ‘extra’ on your story. I was just minding my business that day at the club and this Ghanaian boy forced himself into my life. I had no idea I would be part of your story… I had no idea it would break me the fact that I never gave you a fair chance.
After Christmas, our relationship was very similar to an AIESEC volunteer experience, full of ups and downs and crazy stories. From December 2019 till June 2020, I think we fought every single week. I place myself in May, I was at some supermarket when I got a text from you saying the most beautiful things I ever read. How can anyone write like that? I don't think I even deserved those kind of compliments. You poured out your heart, still, I told you I didn't believe you. Then you changed, you started also keeping your distance. But one day you came and knocked on my door. I didn't open because you came unannounced and you know my 'stay at home game' is crazy so I never want to see anyone. From that time, you started changing and it was then when I realized I felt the same way, I was just too stubborn to admit it. And I couldn't allow myself to fall for a 'party boy' at that time of my life. I just couldn't go through all that drama.
Can I talk about that mad episode? Remember when I met the girl you were dating at the time and she told me that she always felt like you were distant because you liked somebody else. I still don't know how you pulled that off but that shit was scary. So your girl at the time decides to move in to my building and meet the girl that you 'allegedly' were in love with. Wow! Being part of your journey was lunatic but exciting. You made my time in Addis exceptional. Funny how even the other day I was telling my sisters stories about you and today I had to tell them that my 'charming armour - romantic - life of the party- knows everybody - full of connections and resources - Ghanaian boy' was gone.
Kofi, come back! I wasn’t expecting this at all. You know my dad’s death I was expecting it, I can’t lie. For two years I sensed my dad was going to die but nothing warned me about this. I know I didn’t know you enough to have a high intuition about whatever was happening to you but I knew something was wrong. Yesterday I woke up feeling weird, my legs started shaking for no reason but I didn’t want to read much into it. Throughout the whole day, I felt sad, I assumed it was one of those days that my dad’s absence reminds me how broken I am. Still, I wasn’t expecting this. I never picture not having someone to talk to when I am lost.
I am not sure if we were going to keep in touch but I never considered this. I was expecting to go years without hearing from you and then at some ‘extra-ordinary meeting with member states’ they would ask me to go meet the President of Ghana and it would turn out to be you. That’s how it was supposed to be…but even though I wanted to be part of your story and your dream, your story was not measured by your leadership position but how you touched people. And I got say “Your excellency, you did it!” You made me feel loved and appreciated and I thank you for that.
You know life is amazing, right? You lose someone so close to you that you think you lost everything and nothing can faze you. Then you lose somebody else that you thought you could live without and you realise that you should be more grateful for having them. I am sorry Kofi. I am sorry I didn’t realise how much you meant to me. I am sorry I disappeared. I didn’t want to be close to anyone that reminded me of what I went through in Addis.
You were there! You were there when I got the call that my dad passed away. I started screaming and trying to open the windows so I could join my dad but you didn’t let me. You held me and you didn’t let me go. I remember fighting you and punching you like crazy but you never gave up on me.
After that day, you tried your best to be present but I pushed you away as much as I could. I just couldn’t be close to someone who saw my despair, who saw me giving up in life. You saw me at my worst…you saw how shattered I was during the quarantine and how destroyed I actually am inside and for some weird reason you still wanted to be my friend.
I remember when I posted my dad’s eulogy and you told me you translated into English so you could read it. You then said you didn’t want to talk about it because it was too painful. I realised that what I was going through was opening your own wound. You told me about your mom and how precious she was to you and I told myself if he endured grief earlier in life and still found the strength to be there for others, to enjoy life and be happy, I can also do it.
We fought like crazy… every conversation would turn out to be a fight. We had different views about life but I knew we needed each other in a way. You taught me about not caring what people say and living my life to the fullest. I am not sure what I taught you but I think I woke up things that were dead in you. I hate how life fucked you over so much till the point that you didn’t believe in good things anymore. I hated that about you…but I loved you.
I didn't had the chance to tell you that you were my soulmate...yes, there was so much in me that I saw in you and I wish I had time to tell you. Even though I spent most of the time criticizing you, I actually thought we were the same. I don't see how I am going to live this life and be mentally okay without you, I just don't see it. You were so good for my mental and emotional health...you were so good to my confidence and self-esteem...you were so good to me. I know it's not always about me and you told me that bluntly but me acknowledging what you meant to me makes me realize that meeting you was part of the plan.
I miss you calling me out on my bullshit but of course after hours of me torturing you with my honest and direct ways. And you never got mad...you always came with your political bullshit to answer every text. You were so good with words...always sending long paragraphs to match my insane mind, all organized and allocating perfectly every thing you wanted to address. Gosh, you were so smart man! I know I told you but I wish I told you more times so you could see what I saw in you. I saw greatness: a man who was going to be everything he wanted to be... but I guess God had other plans.
I keep comparing your loss to my dad's...the thing is - I needed you here to help me heal from dad's passing. Losing my dad destroyed me but it made me want to live life. Your passing ( I am not ready to say it) makes me want to stay at home and never leave so I will never find myself in a situation where I randomly meet a Ghanaian boy in the club and give him my number. I recall our conversation about motivation and how I sensed that sometimes you lacked it. I understand you now... What you went through, especially losing your mom put you in a certain emotional condition that you could either be everything or nothing. You could work like crazy to become the President of Ghana or you could just give up everything. I understand everything now... I really do because now I feel the same. Loosing my dad and the support system (you) that was helping me recover feels like I am destined to stay home forever and never be invited to a member states meeting lol. What's the point of going to that meeting if I am not going to tell people that I once met the President of Ghana and he slept on my floor in several occasions?
I don't see how I am gonna make it without you. Even thought I wanted to distance myself, I knew I could always call you to hear your 'rich boy accent' lol telling me to be strong. I wish I trusted you more and I wish I had done more for you, so my heart wouldn't be so heavy right now. I am sorry I gave you a hard time, I am sorry I didn't believe you when you said you fell in love with me. But I always wondered how it would be if we took a shower and made love right after without any lotion or perfume so we could feel our body odors and natural scents (your idea lol! when you first proposed that I thought it was the weirdest thing I heard but now looking back I still think you are nutts but I loved your idea lol).
I feel so alone without you...how come I didn't realize that I couldn't live without you? How did I ever think that it was okay for me to go on without you? I wish I could call you right now and say how much it hurts. I miss our long conversations on the phone…if you ever questioned how I felt about you - the fact that I hated phone calls but would spend two hours on the phone with you was a confirmation of my feelings for you. I miss how different you were…how you would always have an opinion about something, how we could talk about anything from Ethiopian culture to Angolans organizing chicken fights to get extra cash lol. I miss you…I miss everything about you.
It's
5 am and I can't sleep. My mind doesn't stop thinking about you. I have so much to say, things I wish I could tell you in person but I don't have a
choice anymore. I keep adding stuff to this piece because I am not
ready to say goodbye. First, I wasn't ready to admit that I wanted you
to be part of my future and now I am not ready to admit that it won't
happen. I gotta at least give you a well deserved goodbye - writing about
you. You once asked if I ever wrote about you and I told you I only
write about sad things...I guess you were my happy place. Thanks for
always showing interest in my writing and making me feel special.
I just want to say that whenever I pushed you to apply for something or judged for you behaving a certain way, it was my way of showing how much I cared. I really cared about you and I wanted the very best for you. I really thought you deserved the world…
I didn’t have the chance to say how special and a great guy you were…a good and loyal friend, a compassionate and caring brother, a creative and enthusiast professional, a dedicated and strong dreamer, a kind and considerate human being…
See you in paradise
Rest easy Sylvester Kofi Azasoo
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